My Inner Battles

"I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." (Romans 7:18)

This Scripture is me in a nutshell. So often, I feel as though I am striving to do what God wants me to do, but for some reason, things always end up screwed up in some way.

Last night, I wanted just to take a drive with Aleshia, and share some of the "moments" we used to share so often, listening to our music, communicating with God and each other in ways we could not otherwise communicate. Somehow, I messed everything up, and instead of sharing this much needed intimacy, we wound up fighting.

Our relationship, our communication, and our individual lives we attempt to base on God and His Word. I hate our sinful natures so intensely. They only lead to deep, agonizing pain that sometimes leaves scars. I want the pure, unselfish, untarnished love we used to have. I want to feel whole again.

God, I know that you want us to be different than we have been. You want me to know that, despite my sinful nature, You still love me, but that You want me to remember that I am human. I am not a robot. I want to be filled with you, to have you spilling out of me, but somehow, what seems to spill out lately has been anything but spiritual.

The pain that I suffer, both emotional and physical, I look at reminders that You are still in control. You need to continue molding me, to continue shaping me, and forming me into what You can use.

I know that is why the ministry work has been so difficult for me lately. You will not bless us with a congregation of any size until we prove we can manage our own emotions and lives.

I fight every day to be the woman you want me to be, but ultimately, You are in control. You do the molding, You do the work. You love me, and give me that which You know I can handle and use.

God, thank You for knowing every detail, every microscopic part of me. Thank You for loving me enough that You will not hesitate to micromanage me and my life. Thank You for loving me enough that You would spend time getting to know me better, and bonding Aleshia and me together in ways only You can.

Please help us to work harder at our relationship with You and with each other. Help us to work on how we communicate and how we love each other. Be with us, as we grow closer and closer to You today.

In Your Precious Son's Name, I pray. Amen.

I know God will hear my prayer, and continue to shape our lives in ways that He can use for His good.


I am off to take my grandma to my grandpa's doctor's appointment. We find out today if what he has is MDS.